This summer, much like last summer, is flying by too quickly and without the things I’ve grown used to doing during the summer months. This idea of starting a business in addition to our “day jobs” that would eat up our weekends and many of our weeknights seemed like a great idea 21 months ago when it sprouted tiny baby angel wings. And it is still a wonderful, beautiful idea that has added personal value, if not the financial gain we are still hoping for, to our lives.
But I miss things like long hikes. I miss having a long trail in front of me with boots on my feet instead of trail running shoes. I want a pack loaded with everything I need to stay in the woods for two or three days on my back instead of a couple of liters of water and some GU or peanut butter in a lightweight hydration pack. I miss waking up surrounded by the silence of a morning in the woods instead of the 6 year old campers next to us already screaming about breakfast and missing toys and whatever else they can think of to yell about. I miss going to sleep to the sound of water running in the creek and the crickets and frogs calling to each other. I miss walking for an hour or more with no noise but the crunch of my soles and the birds in the air even though my family might be within sight because we all appreciate the comfort of being outside with our thoughts that saved for sharing around the campfire at night, or never to be shared at all.
I miss lazy weekend mornings. We don’t have those very often anymore. It seems every weekend is packed full of needing to be somewhere because we need to cover a race or we’re there to race in it or we’re training to be. I can’t complain much since these days, showing up at these things is like showing up at a family picnic or two every single weekend. The good news is the crazy uncle you hate rarely shows up and you don’t have to listen to that relative that keeps asking you questions you don’t want to answer. You know the ones I’m talking about. While I would like to not set an alarm for 5 a.m. every single day of the week, I would miss the friends we get to see and the great people we continue to meet.
I worry that being away so much is making me miss out on the final years of having the youngest one at home and I worry that she doesn’t miss us.
I miss having time to do projects around the house. Our yard is a bit of a disaster. Lives have been lost due to my negligence. Just because they were plants doesn’t mean their lives weren’t valuable. Formerly sturdy terrace boxes have lost their integrity and there are dirt patches where grass once grew. What is green is monkey grass, vinca vine or weed. Our deck is 90% stained in a tone we both hate but went through with anyway then failed to complete the outer parts. I blame the color hatred for that unfinished project. I have a hole in the drywall in my bathroom that has been there for nigh on three years. There are water stains on the ceiling from a roof leak that was fixed about the same time as that drywall hole showed up. And our bedroom, that we planned on painting as soon as necessary moving in projects were done? We’ve lived in the house 7 years. It’s time. Maybe it’s a shame the paint on the wall matches our bedding so well. Perhaps if the colors clashed more it would be more urgent. Of course I live with someone who is color blind and he seems to see most things in shades of brown or gray so it still wouldn’t matter. And yet through it all, we have friends who are happy to come to parties whenever invited, ignoring the holes and the mess and appreciating the fact I’ve let a giant mint bush take over part of the yard because it means more mint for their Mojitos and they never mention the 10 year old unraveling deck chairs on the two tone deck.
I miss the quiet time together that has been replaced by quiet time necessitated because one or the other is working on that beloved and hated side business or by the raucousness of the race environment where we have friends who invite us to come celebrate their new life adventures like gallery openings to show off their incredible art, the openings of new businesses, and in the case of this past weekend to be witnesses at life changing events like a marriage proposal.
Whatever pieces are missing from the puzzle, the bigger picture isn’t suffering.