S#*t Ashley Says
I have this friend who says funny things. We all have that friend who can say just about any random thing and you will behave as if you’re the audience for the wittiest stand up comic on the planet. You roll with side splitting laughter, laugh your head off, bust a gut, die laughing, laugh till you cry, you get the idea.
A few weeks ago I spent a day with my friend Ashley setting up the course for a 5K run we were putting on together. Maybe you won’t think her words are all that funny, maybe you will. But I thought some of the things that shot out of her mouth were worth writing down so I started a note page on my phone of S*&T Ashley Says. Here’s a sampling.
Since I birthed a ginger…
Ashley is an expert in all thing red headed. If it involves a redhead, she knows what’s up. I think that’s something like “because I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express”. Having birthed a ginger automatically makes her smarter than the average bear.
I sent my husband to Wal-Mart for Duct tape and box wine…
While she and I were walking around a Kroger store carrying two 10lb bags of flour, we wondered aloud at what people might think we were doing. Apparently two giant bags of white powder is tame in comparison to other shopping expeditions she’s been on.
People won’t hit me cause they think I don’t have insurance.
Following a scary maneuver out of a lane closure situation, she told me not to worry because the condition and age of her beloved “battle van” discourages accidents. Other drivers just assume she is a delinquent.
Would it be ugly to pour my wine into this water bottle?
Instead of carrying around a wine bottle, wouldn’t it be better to put it in an unassuming container? No one wants to be known as “the wino”. Even though everyone at the Benton Wal-Mart probably knows she’s a wino. And uses a lot of duct tape.
Deer poop is longer than goat poop but just a little.
I don’t even have an explanation for that one. Just trust her. She knows her poop.
I’m getting a degree on awesome pants.
It’s true. She has awesome pants and she knows how to wear them.
I’m a good backer. I back up nice.
This is so much better without an explanation. Let’s just pretend it didn’t involve her backing the Battle Van down a narrow passage like she was at a Richard Petty Fantasy Camp.
Love ya Ash! Even though you wear butt ugly running shoes and drive a Kubota tractor like an untamed beast. Okay I might love you BECAUSE of that second one.